What is your marriage about?

I put this question at the beginning because it is a major factor in everything that we do.  Even for those that are not married have this as a major part of their life.  Some people ask the question as "what does it mean to be a man or woman?"  All of this is about the simple question of what is your motivation.

Some couples I have met say that their motivation is their children.  Others say that their motivation is each other.  Still others I have met, more often those that have been burned in relationships, say their motivation is their job, or a past time.  I have a brother who found his motivation in a child that he would often visit and play with.  

My motivation for a long time was the same thing I would tell others when they asked me what I wanted to achieve.  I would reply that the best thing a father could do is provide a well raised child with a solid foundation for the world.  I married later in life, and by that time, I had already realized I was not likely to be a major world changing person.  I knew I was a good worker, but I also knew that being a good worker means that you are going to affect those who are around you and they will be the ones that talk about your contributions.  I was raised with a high value of family and because of that I actually looked forward to having a family of my own.  I found a wonderful wife, one who I knew would be a great mother.  She was gentle and loving and cared about everyone around her.  

Fate did not have a family in our story.  Without children we did the next best thing, adopted pets and began looking out for our parents as they enter into the later years of their life.  Both our fathers have already passed, so now we just have our mothers to look after.  My wife is an only child, while I am the sixth child of seven, so we have considerably different family requirements.  Her mom was one of those whose motivation was her husband, and unlike my mom, she became very inactive after her husband passed.  Now we spend much time walking with her and talking to her so that she regains the strength of body and mind that she used to have when her husband was still alive.  We are working to get her here longer so that we have more time to care for her because she often gets weaker when she is not here.

Some would say that this is too much family baggage, I say it is taking care of family.  I hope to be able to give her many good years of exercise, talk, and perhaps even a better living location for the years we have together.  Since she is 80, I don't know how many that is, but I don't plan to throw them away.  When the time comes, my wife and I will find a new motivation and we will go down that road together as well.

Help Marriage

An unfortunate story for a co-worker

A little bit ago I had lunch with a co-worker who had been married for just a couple of years.  I thought their relationship would be stronger at this point, however it seems that initial impressions are not always correct.

Their initial relationship was met with hardship because of the wife being a foreign national, and the process taking more than two years from their marriage to get her over here into the US.  While there may have been a little delaying on the paperwork side by the husband, the bulk of the time was do to the amount of time for the immigration office to do it's paperwork.

After she got over here, things seemed well for a while, and got to see them every now.  She had a hard time getting a decent job here in the US, just like my wife, and it seems that all of this was wearing on her.

When we got back together, found out that the two of them had been reduced to minimal communication through email.  I asked him about what happened, and also had some feedback from a lunch my wife had with his wife.  One of the things that I found through my time with my wife is that showing respect for her is very important.  This goes all the way to a lot of the smaller actions that I often overlooked since I am American.  I am slightly more ignorant of these actions.

Early on in my own relationship there were sometimes when I would do something that I didn't think much about, but it would often result in some long quiet nights.  I eventually connected that these items had a thing in common.  She put an effort into it for me, and I didn't appreciate it.  While she is okay with criticism, she is not okay with just disregarding her actions.  This is what I perceived to be the problem here.

After talking to him and hearing what my wife had said, I believe him when he says that he loves her, but I think that like me he is a little ignorant of actions that were considered disrespectful.  Since their communication has all but stopped we will see.  My wife and I pray and hope that they can resolve this and that he is able to build a stronger bond with her.

A rough day for us

This past Thursday while I was at work, I got a call from my Wife.  She informed me that our loving dog wanted to play and injured her in the process.  The injury was most likely a broken finger and what should she do.  Fortunately a nearby worker helped her bring the dog home so she didn't have bring him and hurt herself more.

Since this was our first time using the new insurance I had to spend some time finding where to go, but eventually found out that one of the closest hospitals accepted our insurance.  After getting back from work, I finally saw the injury and it did look painful.  The middle finger was angled to the outside of the hand and very swollen.  We decided to go the the emergency room more out of ignorance, and was later informed by those with a little more hospital experience that we should have gone to the urgent care.

After checking in we waited for about a half hour to forty five minutes before she was called back.  They took her vitals and cleaned her wounds from the fall which was very nice and then we were sent back to the waiting area for about another half hour.  Finally they came to take her x ray, and after waiting for another half hour my wife came back and let me know what the x ray showed.  I didn't get to see it till later but this is what it showed.

The last thing that happened in the morning was a lot of struggling because we didn't pull of her wedding band and engagement ring at the beginning right after she fell.  I did get to find out about the string trick to remove a ring, but unfortunately it didn't work, so now we have to get her rings repaired from being cut off. 

Now that half the day had disappeared, I had to run and take care of the pets and my mother in law.  This is what my wife is usually doing and since she was unable to I had to go and get them food and make sure that everyone was okay.  Then after heading back, I got there just in time to miss the finger being set.  Now the only thing left was to get the follow up x ray.

Now that it is a full hour past how long the staff said we were going to be there, both of us was getting hungry, and with her still stuck there waiting for them to do the follow up x ray, I ran to get food, and came back with her sandwich.  I got there just in time for her to be taken  back for the follow up x ray, and for her to get one bite of the sandwich.  After about 15 minutes she was brought back to the waiting area and then we started to get our discharge briefing about 10 minutes after that.

Finally, 6 and 1/2 hours after getting there, the joint was reset, my wife had a finger splint, and we could finally leave.  All my co-workers who have already gone through this said the same thing. "Why didn't you go to urgent care?"  Unfortunately all I can say is I won't be repeating that mistake again, but at least my wife's hand is healing.  Her last comment was that she could not believe that in 6 and 1/2 hours she never once met a doctor.

Family Love

Part of the fun with any relationship is that it never is only the one you met.  That is if it is a serious relationship.  My wife and I married later in life by most standards, however in today's standards it was probably closer to the average now.

My wife had a senior mother, much like my own, however her mother has not taken good care of herself.  While my mom will walk every day from home to church, her mom will walk as little as possible.  This makes for a very long visit when she comes over because I spend a lot of time rehabilitating her.

We both spend time walking with her to rebuild her strength, and will try to work with her on strength exercises, but the whole time it's always depending upon her will.  Often she will complain of the soreness in her legs, or some other excuse, but we work through it.  As long as we have her here.  In the future that will hopefully be up to 6 months at a time, maybe longer.

In the end it is all about taking care of family.  I am lucky enough to have married into a family where every one gets along, but I know there are those who didn't.  One of the comments my dad made was that eventually all you have is family, and that is why I am glad that we have a good family bond.

A light heartted wedding story

Last year My Wife and I attended the wedding for one of our nephews.  It was a nice event and the location was in north western Washington state, so there was a nice green backdrop from all of the evergreen trees located there.  The church was not in the middle of a big city which gave it a nice personal feel to the event.

The wedding proceeded very nicely, with a good turn out for the grooms family.  The brides family had a very large gathering as well.  For my Japanese mother-in-law, she got to see a more traditional western wedding with the bride in white.

After the wedding we all left the church and went to the side yard where they had the reception.  The meal was simple, the DJ played nice music, and after a while some of the friends of the groom and bride got out and danced.  This continued for about 45 minutes until it started getting to the winding down and the more traditional wedding ceremonies.

The tossing of the bouquet is one that I will never forget.  My niece and her boyfriend were there and she reluctantly went out for the bouquet toss.  We all watched to see who would get it as the bride threw the bouquet.  The bouquet flew through the air and was going straight to my niece.  Straight to her as she proceeded to turn and run from the bouquet.  Of course for the guys watching all we could do was say sorry to her boyfriend, and later chide her about it.

That bouquet toss is definitely one that I will remember for a very long time.